SEXUALTY

God has created us as sexual beings. From the very beginning He made man and woman. He named His first ones Adam and Eve. He allowed them to come together in unity as a husband and wife. They had no clothing in their creation. They probably were dressed with the glory of God as their clothing. They were not ashamed of this until they had sinned; then they realized that they were naked. Not only did they realize they were naked physically, but they were naked because of their sin, the latter being much more serious. So even at the creation, there was male and female-ness. There was no shame for being male and female. There was no shame on behalf of their body parts.
In the Old Testament, God has written a book for us to read called "Song of Solomon". The scriptures in this book are seldom, if ever, talked about in the churches yet it is very descriptive of a love between a man and a woman. It describes the love of a husband and a wife, particularly on their wedding night. It starts with the beloved wife saying,
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth - for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! Take me away with you - let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi. How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant! (Song of Songs 1:1-4,12-14,16 NIV)
The following are the husband's response:
How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mt. Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.
How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments are like that of Lebanon. You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain. Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, with henna and nard, nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with every kind of incense tree, with myrrh and aloes and all the finest spices. You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon. (4:1-7,10-15 NIV)
The beloved wife responds: "Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. (4:16 NIV)
The husband continues later and says to his beloved:
Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, 'I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.' May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. (7:7-9 NIV)
These are just a few of the passages in the eight chapter book of Song of Solomon (also known as the Song of Songs), which descriptively talks about the romance and the lovemaking between two people. Yet in the Church, we rarely, if ever, deal with this issue.
Sex in the Church
First of all, we do not speak about the beauty of the sex that God has given us. We are sexual beings. God created us that way. We have sexual desires that He gave us and these are good. Our physical parts along with our emotional passions are all given to us from God. Our sex is a wonderful gift that God has given. He speaks of it in the examples just given, descriptively and very beautifully. Can we, as a Church, not speak about ourselves in the same way that God speaks about us? Can we not speak the truth about our sexual nature without ignoring, being ashamed or embarrassed? Many of us become ashamed or embarrassed if it is ever mentioned. But we need to be more blunt, especially in today's day and age and today's society. Sexual sin is rampant in the world and in the Church. I suspect that if the Church were to understand the concept of sexuality and understand the importance of avoiding sexual sin, then I think the world wouldn't have as much overt sexual lust prevailing in it. I think, as the Church goes, so does the world. And even if the world were to fall deeper into sin, the Church should not.

These issues need to be addressed
First of all, I believe the Church has been very Victorian in its attitudes. We recognize that we are male and female and we understand that, but we try to hide and be prim and proper about it. For example, we hold the attitude that married women should not be with anybody other than women and their husband. The only exception is when they, as a husband and wife together, associate with another couple. We would not, by any means, accept a married person of one sex ministering with or to a single person of the opposite sex or vice versa. This is a result of misunderstanding of our sexuality and the relationships God has given us.
We allow and understand that men and women do relate to each other - if they are single. They go out together - in groups and on dates. Younger men and women learn to relate to each other in school and at church functions. Then, when they get older they still continue this relationship or it should continue. Unfortunately, what happens is that they get married and become cut off from others because of the mind set that a woman should only be with her husband or other women alone. The Church needs to repent of this idea that once married, the wife should never be alone with other men. As a result, she is not able to minister and really love and have relationships with other brothers. (As will be explained later, all of our relationships are to be pure and holy. There is to be no sexual immorality. Sex is only for marriage.)
As already stated, our sexuality is very good in God's eyes. But we have allowed Satan to destroy the image we should have of ourselves...the image God has of us. We have let Satan destroy it by sin. He perverts what God has created to be good. God has created us as sexual beings for the purpose of our pleasure and also for the purpose of procreation. There is nothing wrong with either. There is nothing wrong with being physically or emotionally attracted to a person of the opposite sex. That is natural. And of course, as we all know, there is nothing wrong with marriage. It is very holy and honorable in God's eyes.
What Should we do about Sex?
God has said that "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4 NIV) God has created male and female in our sexuality, to be brought together only in marriage. We should only consummate our bodies in sexual unity, (i.e., sexual intercourse) when we are married. This is a command that God has given us. He has not given it to us to say, "You can't do this; sex is bad," or "sex is wrong." He hasn't simply given us a rule that we find hard to live by. We will have temptations. We will have desires. We will have passion. God has given us desires and passion but He has also addressed how to manage them and avoid temptations.
If some of us have strong, difficult to handle desires and passions, or as the Bible says, if we "burn with passion," then God has recommended marriage. However, many of us, many more of us than we think, can control ourselves. We do have control over our bodies. We are not animals, as commonly taught through the recent so-called science of evolution. We are not animals who have to follow our instincts. On the contrary, God has made us living beings. He has made our bodies for Him. Our bodies are to be used to glorify Him. God wants us to devote ourselves completely to Him, in body and in spirit. Our body is for Him and is not for fornication (pre-marital sex). As mentioned earlier, God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. He is saying this for our good and His good.
Our Bodies Belong to God
Our bodies and the unity created by marriage, is an earthly representation of the relationship and the unity that we have with God. God loves us so much that He calls us his bride, and when we all join with Him in the last day, we are going to be pure and spotless, a holy bride, and we will be spiritually consummating our marriage with Him. This is such a beautiful, wonderful hope. It is really beyond what we can understand, except that God has given us a glimpse of this on earth. Marriage on earth is an earthly example of this relationship with God. That is why it is so special. That is why it is to be honored and why it is to be kept pure.
As we have a pure, holy relationship with God ourselves (the bride of Christ with Christ Himself), we have an intimacy that we actually can have at this point on earth. But when we know Him and see Him as He is, our relationship with God will be brought to fullness and fruition.
On this earth we are engaged, but this is not an engagement that is easily broken. In Jewish history, in which this engagement is similar, a couple was basically married when they were engaged. The only thing that hadn't happened yet was the consummation of the marriage physically. If the engagement was broken off, a certificate of divorce would have to be written. For example, when Joseph found out Mary was pregnant, he planned to give her a certificate of divorce, even though he had never had sexual relations with her. That's how serious the engagement was. They were basically married without the consummation. Well, it is the same way with the Lord and us. We aren't fully who we are going to be yet and we haven't seen Him completely in all His glory and fullness because we are still in these earthly bodies. We are engaged but not married. But marriage on this earth is a very symbolic representation of His relationship with us and that is why it is so important to God. That is why He doesn't want idolatry (meaning any substitution or replacement of our relationship with Him) in any form. If we are sexually immoral and/or in adultery, that is idolatry to God. We are not being faithful. In the same way, when we are not being faithful to somebody else on this earth, we are not being faithful to Him. God says that whatever you have done to the least of these, my brothers, you have done unto Me.
If you are sexually immoral with someone, especially if both of you are Christians, it is like you are doing this to Jesus. You are breaking his heart and you are breaking your relationship with Him. You are breaking your holy and pure love and life with Him when you have a sexually immoral relationship with somebody else. Sexual sin is against our own bodies, in which the Holy Spirit resides. Although much is spoken in the Bible about sexual sin, it is spoken of in a different sense from other sins. Because unlike others, this sin is against our own body.
Treat Each Other Purely
We need to understand the importance of our relationship with Jesus and the importance of our relationship with each other, so that we can avoid sexual sin. The foundational scripture on which to base our male and female relationships is found in I Timothy 5:1,2. Timothy is told to treat the younger men as brothers and the younger women as sisters, with all purity. I think we can take that statement and apply it to ourselves. As men and women in the Lord, we need to treat each other as brothers and sisters with all purity. We can fellowship. We can spend time together. We can truly and deeply love one another emotionally, spiritually and physically. That is what God would have us do. But we need to do it with all purity.
If we understand that the sexuality God has given us is good, when we accept and truly desire intimate relationship with Jesus and intimate relationship with one another, I think we will naturally be treating one another with purity. We will not want to hurt God, as we would be doing, if we were sexually promiscuous in any way, shape or form.
I am going to address this physical aspect. I think we understand how we can relate to one another emotionally, socially and even spiritually, but I think we don't understand how to relate to one another physically. Quite often when men and women get together in groups, an individual can hide out in the group instead of really relating to the opposite sex. However, when a man and a woman are alone together, then some of these individuals will have difficulties. They do not truly recognize and understand that the person they are with is their brother or sister in Christ. All of us have seen examples of a brother and sister relationship, if not in your own family than in the lives of other families (maybe of other relatives or friends). A brother and a sister really care about each other. Put aside all the facades of the growing up years - the picking on one another and the fighting with one another - when it comes to defending and standing up for your brother and sister, you do! There is a bond there, a good familial relationship. Well, when we take into account all the positive aspects of our familial relationships, we see a representation of the spiritual brother and sister relationships we are to have in God. We are to love each other and be willing to lay down our lives for each other. We need to be willing to stand up for our brother and sister. If they need support, we are there. We need to look beyond that person's sex and look at them as just another person, somebody that we love, cherish and value, somebody that is going to have a new body in Heaven. I don't know how God is going to make our bodies in Heaven, but I do know that we will be like He is. But on this earth we need to look beyond the male and female-ness and see a person who Jesus loves and who we love. (Read endnote.)
So men, I want to encourage you not to be shy of women, not to avoid spending time with them. There are women out there who can use the love and the relationship that you have with God. You will minister to them because of what God has put inside you. And, women, I will say the same thing to you. Yet, I realize that there are feelings and emotions as well as attractions that you will have. {Many will seem to go crazy around the ages of 13-17. Most people I know have trouble getting hold of those feelings until they are older (maybe 18 or so) and even then, there are still some difficulties. But it should come with maturity.} God will grow you up, if you have your mind and your heart set on Jesus and you love Jesus as your first love. He will show you how to relate to somebody of the opposite sex - which includes treating them with all purity as your brothers and sisters.
I'm Attracted!
Someone may ask, "What do I do if I am attracted to somebody of the opposite sex?" I would say, "Tell God about it." Tell him that you like this person. I don't care if you're 12, 25, 50, or 100. I don't care if you are married or single. You are going to have attractions when you are married or single. First of all, take it to God. Tell Him that you have an attraction.
If you are single: Take it to God and ask Him, "Help me cope with these feelings. What do You want me to do about it?" I understand that if you are at the age of 12 or 13, you are probably not considering marriage at this point. You are a little young to be married, but again in different cultures people get married at young ages. Regarding the current American cultural "age limit", most people do not get married until they finish high school or college or even later. So if you are having those feelings and you are not ready to be married, then just give them to God, and try not to dwell on your affection towards that person.
There is a scripture in Proverbs that says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (4:23 NIV) One way to guard your heart is to guard your mind. You may like this person. You may have feelings toward this person. You may even get goose bumps when you're around him or her. All of these things are natural and are not sins. Your body chemistry and hormones are real after all. But God's love in any relationship gives it its permanence where the "puppy loves" are merely transient. To daydream about the person is not the best wisdom. When you daydream, you start thinking of how you would like to be with the person. You may possibly dwell on sexual thoughts or you may dwell on other areas you are not ready for yet because you are not ready to meet the commitment of marriage. As I said before, take it to God. Take it to your parents or to an older brother or sister that you know loves the Lord. They can help you with it. Go to them if you feel you need to and say, "Hey, what do I do?" They can give you counsel and guidance. But, first of all, take it to the Lord.
What if there is an attraction between married people? Well, as I have already stated, the Bible is clear in that it teaches that all should honor marriage and the marriage bed kept pure. That means the married person needs to maintain a devotion to the spouse. If a married person is having feelings for someone else, it is not as simple as "Lord, should I marry this person?" as it would be for somebody who is single. Someone who is single and would like to be married could ask this question. He or she could ask, "Lord, help me in this." And then if he (or she) wants, he (or she) can marry the person. If someone is married, it is clear that this is not an option to consider. Instead, this would need to be taken to the Lord and the temptation fled from. Use the same principle as discussed below for those who are in a temptation situation. In addition, take it to the Lord. Take it to somebody else to pray and intercede for you in that you would be strong and that God would take away or deal with the feelings that you are having for that person. Having a thought is not sin, but if you dwell on the thought and continue to think about the thought, then it becomes sin. And the best medicine is preventive: Guard your heart.
James 1:12-15 says,
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him. When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (NIV)
Continuing with other practical scriptures, James 1:22 states, "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." (NIV) Jesus says to flee immorality. Flee! God said, "Guard your heart." So, guard your heart. Jesus says, "Don't think about sin." Don't think about sin. We have the power of the Holy God within us to keep us from all sin. We just simply need to cry out to Him when we get in these problems, say "Help" and He will help us. He is a close friend. He is closer than any brother can be to us. He is a helper in time of need.
What about Dating?
Some of you may want to go out on dates. Parents have different feelings about when or if their children should go out. The Bible does not address dating. You can search for it. Dating is cultural in nature. Some cultures do not even have dating. Some cultures arrange marriages from a very early age while others make arrangements after a person reaches puberty. In our American culture we use dating as a way of learning how to relate to the opposite sex and to help find a mate.
The Bible contains no instructions about dating, per se. Instead, it deals with the heart. If we follow basic principles, such as treating our brothers and sisters with all purity and guarding our hearts as the wellspring of life, we will be greatly helped...the Number One principle being that we love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind, and love our neighbor as ourselves. If we do these things, we will not fall into temptation or into sin.
You may have feelings toward someone and you may want to spend time with him or her. You may want to go on dates. Although dating is not addressed in the Bible, our attitudes are. What are your motives for a date? If you go out on a date, are you going for the purposes of lust... for the purposes of physical, sexual involvement? Are you going out with somebody because you like, want to spend time with and get to know him or her? Or do you just want to go out and have a good time? I think the biggest thing is to check out your motive…. Be honest with yourself and God.
You do not have to date. If you do not want to date, or you don't think it's good for you because your motive is not right, do not let your friends pressure you into dating. You don't have to date. By definition, dating is just getting together with an individual of the opposite sex and spending time with him or her. But when you are in school, you are spending time with plenty of the opposite sex. Is that a date? You might think this is funny. But still, if you want to get to know somebody your motive should involve doing it in all purity. (Read endnote for book recommendations.)
How Do I Avoid Temptation?
I realize that some of us may get in situations with the opposite sex and our motives are pure but the other person's motive is not. What should you do if that person starts making some physical advances or some verbal suggestions? I Corinthians 6:18-20 says,
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body. (NIV)
Flee! It is really simple. If somebody comes on to you, just get out of the room. Get out of the building if you need to. If you are at somebody's house, just walk out the door. If you feel you should, give them a call later to explain. Just get out of this situation now! If you are in a car, just get out of the car and start walking. There is something to doing that. There is a power behind doing that.
If you find that you are being tempted, and you want to stay, then Jesus says, "Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I shall rescue you, and you will honor Me." (Psalm 50:15 NASB) Just say "Jesus, help". Just cry out, "Jesus, help me. I want to get out of this situation." He will give you supernatural strength to allow you to flee that situation.
If you do get caught in a situation where you are being tempted, God says He will not tempt us beyond what we are able, but with the temptation will provide a way of escape that we may be able to endure it. (I Corinthians 10:13) So the Lord says, and I say, "FLEE!"
Should I Marry?
Now some of you are at a point where you are able to get married and are even considering it. What should you do? First of all, before you get to the point of considering who to marry, you need to ask yourself if you should be married.
Some of you are getting married or considering marriage just because it's the thing to do. Most people get married; you are expected to get married, and as a result you are pressured to get married. But I want to briefly discuss what Paul says about marriage.
Paul says in I Corinthians 7 that it is better not to marry than to be married. He says that he wishes all were as he is - which was single. If you can be single, it is better to be single. However, each one of us has a different calling. And as God has called us, so let us walk. If you burn with passion, unless you ask God and He takes that away, it's a clear indication that you are to be married. It is better to marry than to burn with passion. However, we are not run by instinct. We can have control of our own lives because God is inside us. God is greater than our own emotions and our own flesh.
In order to decide if you should be married or not and if you want to be married or not, take it to the Lord. Study the scriptures on marriage to help you in your decision. If you own a Strong's Concordance, look up and study every scripture on marriage. That is something I did before I got married. I wanted to know the scriptures on the subject and I wanted to make sure that it was okay for me to be married. At that time I was real unsure about marriage anyway. Hindsight is a lot easier than foresight for me. Now that I'm married, I see that it is a good thing for me to be married and I see how hard it was for me to be unmarried. I didn't necessarily physically burn with passion - and ladies, some of you may need to understand that you may have strong emotional desire to be married. It's not that you have to have sexual intercourse every night. It's just that you have this strong emotional desire - I equated this desire as burning with passion just as I would have physical desire. Men are more likely to have a strong physical desire, more so than women. I say this as a generality. I realize that women and men both desire sexual interaction, except some of us may be able to be single. Some of us may want to be single. To them, I would say "Be single." God has called you to be single. If you want to get married, get married. But I would also say, "Take everything to the Lord." Once you've done that and the decision has been made, continue to trust in God. If you are going to get married, and the time is right, "Best Wishes and Congratulations!" However, some of you may want to stay single for a number of years yet before you get married. The reason may be that the situation isn't very economically stable right now, or maybe you feel strongly that the Lord wants you to minister right now, instead of being married, or to establish a deeper, intimate relationship with Him. For these reasons, I would choose to remain single. But when the time comes to get married, then use Biblical guidelines to find a wife or a husband. Your number one priority should be, "Does he/she love the Lord?"
For some of you, it may be helpful to make a list. I did. I made a list of what I wanted in a husband - about 26 different things. Of course, he would be good-looking, rich, and all these other things, right? I made my list and put it away. It just so happens that I found that list right around the time my husband and I became engaged. It gave me tremendous comfort and courage to see that what I had written down 2 or 3 years earlier described him! He fit 24 out of 26 items. That's an A on any test! He embodied almost all of those qualities that I had desired. I was just amazed at how well he fit! Since that time, our marriage has been very blessed.
But I also waited. I waited on the Lord. I developed an intimate relationship with Him and I continued it into the marriage. My marriage did not become #1. It is never to be #1.
There are more cares when you are married; the Bible says that there will be. It is a definite advantage to be single; you have a lot more time on your hands. It doesn't work out that 1+1 = 2. I thought of the idea, "I'll have a roommate, somebody to share the chores. I'll only have to do half as many chores." It doesn't work that way. My husband eats two to three times as much as I do. I spend a lot more time at the grocery store because of that. He dirties his clothes a lot more than I do because he works outside. I do a lot more laundry. He likes to do things a little differently than I do, so some things take more time. There are dinners to fix. I used to be able to eat and skip meals. Well, he has to eat regularly.
I'm not saying that I'm the one doing all of these things. If we split it half and half, I still get 2/3 more than what I did, so it doesn't work out mathematically to having only half the amount of what I used to have.
The Bible is true. I've tested it in my marriage. You will have more cares. You will be more concerned about things of this world. So, if you can remain single, you are encouraged to do so by the Lord. However, if you desire to be married, it is not a sin either; but make sure that the person is in the Lord.
There is a misconcept that many people have about marriage: Let's say that God has called you to do a certain kind of ministry. Maybe you think you're supposed to go to another country, so you are looking for somebody who has the same ministry you have or is called to the same country you are. Oftentimes, people try to find someone who is in the same ministry, the same church, or doing the same thing that they are doing. But, it is not necessarily the way it's going to work. In fact, chances are it isn't. God does a lot of complementing in relationships.
In my case, the Lord has given me a ministry that is opposite of my husband's in some ways. We minister to two different groups of people. I minister mostly in the Church. He ministers mostly to the unsaved. As a result, we frequently go two different places and are frequently doing two different things. I may be at a church while he may be hunting or in a restaurant with an unbeliever.
Do not let different ministries or different callings hinder you. There may be some practicalities. If you know for a fact that God wants you to go to Africa and this woman knows for a fact that she is to live in Idaho, you need to be aware that you might spend most of your marriage apart from each other. That is a practical consideration to certainly consider!
The only clear instruction that the Lord gives in choosing a partner is that the person be a Christian and loves the Lord. That is the only guideline. God is God, and He is greater and knows more than our own hearts. If you surrender that decision to Him, He will work it out.
There is another misconception I'd like to discuss. It's the "Cinderella concept or syndrome" that we were raised with in my generation. It's the idea that marriage is to be peachy-keen and part of the American dream, commonly promoted by childhood movies and the media. Many of us go into marriage thinking that our spouse is going to make us happy and that we are marrying “Mr. Happily Ever After.” We have a fantasy-like concept that does not deal with the reality of life. Marriage is not necessarily going to be smooth and sweet. Two people are often put together to smooth the edges, so to speak. Marriage may be hell on earth for some of you, and to be blunt about it, it may be exactly what you need because you need that to be drawn closer to Jesus. Marriage is not necessarily going to be a picture-perfect situation. It is symbolic of Christ and the Church, and ideally, that's what it would be like; yet in this world there is sin. Even though both you and your spouse are following God now, at any point you or your partner could turn away from the Lord. It would be a rude awakening, but realize that God is God and He loves you and always will.
To those of you who are in marriages right now and are considering getting out, take to heart that the Lord hates divorce. If the other partner is an unbeliever and he or she leaves, you are allowed to let him or her do so. You are not bound in that situation. But do not take marriage lightly. (This goes for those considering marriage also.) Just because things aren't working out financially, just because you do not get along, just because you are uncomfortable, or are going through severe pain and suffering, that does not mean you end the marriage. I realize that there may be some practical considerations, for example, some physical abuse or severe emotional abuse going on. You do not want to harm your children or yourself in that situation. But marriage is to be honored by all. We need to put our Lord first and take the situations and the problems to Him. Marriages have problems. Some problems are more serious than others. We are not just to get out of them because we don't like the way it is. That is selfish. We need to do what God wants. Realize our bodies are not our own; they are God's. When we do become married, our bodies belong to that other person, as well.
Biblically, I see (at the most) only two justifications for divorce: adultery and an unbeliever leaving. Even in these situations, I think it is far better to be forgiving and wait instead of jumping right away to the divorce court. Divorce should be rare. Instead it is 24 percent among non-Christians and even higher for Christians! This is certainly an area we need to repent of in the Church!
What about Physical Contact?
The Bible does address how we should respond to one another not only by our attitude but also in our physical expression.
I Thessalonians 4:1-8 states,
Finally, brothers, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more. For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body [or learn to acquire a wife] in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit. (NIV)
It is very clear from this passage that God wants us to learn how to control our bodies in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen. Or, for some of us, this means, "learn to acquire a wife in a holy and honorable manner" (an alternate translation found as a subscript in my NIV version). This scripture was opened to me when my husband and I were considering marriage with one another. I had read it before but I had never read, "learn how to acquire a wife in a way that is holy and honorable." In a sense, I had to learn how to treat my future husband in a holy and honorable manner. I knew that sexual intercourse is considered holy and honorable in a marriage but not before. But, what about other physical boundaries? What about my attitudes and thoughts? What was "safe" for me so that I wouldn't fall into temptation and sin?
I considered a good brother-sister relationship to help answer the questions of physical boundaries. What physical contact do I have with my brother and sister? Would I hold my brother or sister's hands? Would I hug my brother or sister? Would I kiss my brother or sister on the cheek? Would I kiss my brother or sister on the lips? Would I give my brother or sister a French kiss? Would I touch private parts of the body of my brother or sister? Where I said "yes," the same holds true of my brothers and sisters in Christ.... Where I said, "no", I should not be having any physical contact at that point with a brother and sister in Christ, until that person was my husband. (Please read the endnote if you are from a family where sexual immorality existed between siblings.)
There were some practical considerations. For example, when I was engaged to my husband, I knew that it was not good for me to be up late at night, because when I was tired there would be less resistance and I did not want to fall into sin. So, after a certain time of being out for the evening, I would go home. Well, something along the same line may apply to certain individuals. Most importantly, if you are focused on Jesus - your eyes and thoughts on Him - if He is your first love, your attitudes, thoughts and actions will line up with His. You will be pure. If at any point you are not pure, He will reveal it to you and you can repent.
In addition to some of my "common sense" reasoning, I was thankful that the Bible provided some basic, practical guidelines as to how much physical contact should be made between people of opposite sexes.
In the New Testament, it doesn't go into strict detail - such as, you can hold hands for five minutes at a time, or you can kiss for one minute - However, there are some instructions and guidelines in both the Old and New Testaments. One example is in the Old Testament where it talks about your wife's breasts satisfying you always and implies not having the breast of another. (See Proverbs 5:15-20). Also, caressing the breast is described as being lewd and a part of prostitution. (See Ezekial 23:3,8,21.) There is another example where some caressing or sporting was going on between Isaac and Rebekah and as a result she was recognized as Isaac's wife, even though he had said she was his sister. (See Gen. 26:7-11.)
Our conscience can be an excellent guideline as to what God has given us as to what is right and what is wrong for us when clear instructions are not given. However, there are some clear instructions given us in the New Testament. For example, it says there is to be no fornication (sexual intercourse) before marriage.
To have sex before marriage is breaking our relationship bond with God. You are hurting somebody else, you are hurting God and you are hurting yourself. God, for reasons that you may not totally understand now, has made this very holy and special sexual intercourse to be within the marriage relationship. There is an emotional bond and a unity when sex occurs. Male and female are made one flesh. That unity is meant for marriage and is meant for one partner, not for five, ten or a hundred - it is not meant for somebody you are engaged to or for somebody that you have fallen in love with. God has clearly stated that sexual intercourse is for marriage only. This is for our good. When you sin sexually, you are sinning against your own body. You are sinning against the other person, and probably the other person's future wife or husband, when you commit sexual immorality. God does not want us to be in passionate lust like the heathen. He wants us to be the light of the world and an example.
If you have hidden sin in your life right now and you have not confessed it, if you have been having trouble with sexual sin, you need to go to someone who is spiritual in the Lord and confess it. You need to confess and repent of it. God will forgive you. If you are doing this in a hidden manner, you need to have it exposed. You need to expose it to God. If you are doing it with some other brother or sister in the Lord, you both need to repent of it. If that person will not repent, you need to stay away from that person and, if necessary, follow the guidelines mentioned in the gospel about "if your brother sins, and doesn't listen to you, take two or three as a witness, and tell him again. If he still does not listen, tell it to the church." (from Matt. 18:15-17)
You need to stay out of that situation and anything similar to it. Do not put yourself in situations where it will cause you to be tempted and fall into sin. This message will help to realign your life into His purposes and plans, if you listen and take heed to what He says.
In summary, Romans 12:1,2 says
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. (NIV)
And finally, a scripture that many people might want to consider is I Corinthians 7:1. It says, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." (KJV) According to Strong’s Concordance, the Greek word translated touch in this verse means “to attach oneself to, i.e. to touch (in many implied relations)”. This verse is in the context of sexual relations and marriage where Paul is encouraging people to remain single but recognizes some people need to marry. Although it may seem archaic, some people might want to consider the option of avoiding physical contact between a man and woman. You may find that physical contact stirs your emotions or passions, which could lead you into temptation and into sin. My husband and I avoided physical contact through most of our engagement and it sure helped!
Deal with Sexual Sin!
I Corinthians 5:9-13 Paul says,
I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people - not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. 'Expel the wicked man from among you.' (NIV)
If there is somebody or a group of individuals in your church who are being sexually immoral, whether married or single, you need to address that issue. We need first of all, to tell them their sin and pray so that they might repent. If they don't listen, take two or three more. If they still don't listen, tell the church. If they still don't repent, expel them.
If you are in sin, you need to repent of it. If you know of somebody else in sin, you have a responsibility to go to him or her, help him or her and tell him or her that they need to repent. If that person does not repent, the church needs to expel that brother. We need to expose the sin.
Over the last several years, the world has been exposing our sexual sins. Remember when two Christians, such as Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill, were brought before the United States of America on TV for this purpose? This should not be happening! But it is because the Church is not dealing with it. If we dealt with it in our churches, then the world wouldn't.
If we faced sexuality for what it is...
If we understood that what God has created is good... male and female... and we respected and we honored that...
If we were not paranoid about our sex and go overboard so that we don't spend time with those of the opposite sex...
If we don't continue to ignore the lust and sexual temptation that exists and refuse to deal with it in an appropriate manner, by making our heart right with Jesus and loving one another with purity....
If somebody in the church is not going to be living up to the standards that God has set, we need to address that, judge them, and put them outside the church....
Otherwise, the world is going to be doing a lot more exposing, and we are going to look like fools because we have not addressed the sin ourselves.
I Corinthians 6:9,10 says,
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. (NIV)
If you are sexually immoral whether as an adulterer, a homosexual, a fornicator, or whatever, you will not go to Heaven! It's that simple. But take yourself to Jesus and He will forgive you and make you into a new person. The kingdom of God will be wide open to you.
Christians, we need to deal with sexual sin and our sexuality in the Church and no longer keep quiet about it. In all my years of visiting different churches, I have never once heard a message given from the pulpit concerning our sexuality.
While in college, I heard a man named Josh MacDowell who addressed it through videotapes to groups of Christian college students. He is the only person that I have encountered. I know there are others out there doing the same thing. But to go that many years and not have somebody teach about sexuality and the sexual aspects of my Christian walk was really doing a disservice.
We need to speak the truth. We need to speak it in love. We need to speak it now, especially because of the wickedness and the rampantness (or should I say rampant mess) of sexual sin that has prevailed in these United States of America.
Homosexuality
The last topic I want to deal with is homosexuality. Many of the people in the Church realize that it is wrong. It is wicked and sinful and those who are homosexuals (who participate in homosexuality or who are "homosexual offenders") will not enter the kingdom of Heaven. The Church needs to make a stand, a clear stand, that if someone is a homosexual offender he won't go to Heaven. I realize that the majority of people who do become homosexual have had some sexual offense against them in childhood, in many cases by the same sex.
I would say to the homosexual: You do need to repent; you do need to forgive those offenders; you do need to let go of all bitterness and anger that you have towards others and towards God. God will change you. He has created male and female. If you are male, you are male. If you are female, you are female. There is to be no sexual unity except in marriage and that with a partner of the opposite sex. It is clearly stated throughout scripture that God loves you very much and He will deliver you and set you free from homosexuality, if you will
1) choose to repent and
2) recognize and accept that God created you as you are and
3) surrender all your hurts and feelings that you have against those who have offended you.
For God loves you greatly.
But, Church, we cannot be soft on sin, especially in the area of homosexuality. God has stated in Romans that,
The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities - his eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised. Amen.
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them. (Romans 1:18-32 NIV)
This text is talking about homosexuality in one aspect. It goes beyond that, but it does address that even women exchange natural relations for unnatural ones. Women, in other words, have sex with other women. And men have sex with other men. It is because they have turned away from the truth of God for a lie. They have worshipped and served created things (we are created things, by the way) rather than God, the Creator. God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of homosexual sin, as well as other sins. Homosexuality was prevalent in those cities.
Throughout the scriptures God detests homosexuality. He does not accept it. He does not receive it. Anyone who practices homosexuality will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Even though some homosexuals may say, "Well, I can't help the way I feel. I'm attracted to people of the same sex." And some may even say, "I don't want to go to Hell, but I feel this way." What you need to do is realize #1: that feeling that way does not make you that way. As I stated earlier, go to God, say "God, change me. Help me." Repent of unforgiveness you may have towards anybody in the past, particularly those who have sexually abused you. Go to somebody else who is spiritually mature and work this through with him or her. God will help you; but I think in this situation, other people will be very helpful. (Please read endnote for groups that can help you.)
#2: Avoid temptations to fall into sexual sin. As I have said, "Flee! Call out to God." Because sexually immoral, fornicators, adulterers and homosexuals will not enter the kingdom of Heaven.
If you fall into any of those categories, you are in a dangerous place. You need to go to God. You need to repent and turn from those things, and confess them to others, as the need is there to do so.
Church, if you are not involved but you know of others who are, you need to confront them - I'm talking about confronting those who are Christians. Let them know what the Bible says about this. If they don't listen to you, take more, two or three. If they don't hear them, take it to the church and if they still don't listen, cast them out of the church. This is what God wants. God does not want sin in our midst.
We need to repent of being involved in these sins or of being passive and not saying and doing something about it. If we do this, then the world will see our example and there may be some hope for others. I think that if the Church cleans up its act, then we will see a change in the world, regarding all the pornography going on, all the sexual immorality, and all the child molestation that we hear about. We need to clean up the Church first, and this is how to do it - by repentance and turning to God.

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I realize that some of you come from family situations that may hinder your understanding of what it is like to have a positive relationship with your siblings. If you can think of any brother/sister relationships in other families that may be like what I am describing, use that as your example.
I recommend two books by Joshua Harris. They are I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. They are published in Sisters, Oregon by Multnomah Publishers, Inc.. There is some accountability and submitted body error to avoid. (I address this topic in the “Authority and Accountability” chapter of this book.)
“Among born again believers, 27 percent are currently or have previously been divorced. Compare that to 24 percent of adults who are not Christians.” Sarah Pollak, “America’s Divorce Plague Infects the Church” (5 May 2002), in The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN News) (cited 25 December 2003); formerly available from http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/news/020211a.asp; INTERNET.
Please do not use this example if you are from a family where sexual immorality existed between siblings. For clarity, I will give my answers: I would have no trouble with holding hands or kissing the cheeks of my brother or sisters. Some families may answer that it is okay to give short "smacks" on the lips. (My aunts and grandma used to do that to me as a child). I would consider anything beyond that as sexual immorality. There should be no "french kissing" or touching of private parts.
considering the word touch in that implied meaning
The NKJV says "homosexuals, (the margin says 'catamites, those submitting to homosexuals,') nor sodomites" (the margin says ‘male homosexuals’).
The Church seems to largely ignore older singles and marrieds regarding this topic. The Church needs to deal with singles as more than a Christian dating service.
Timothy J. Dailey, Ph.D., “Homosexuality and child Sexual Abuse,” (cited 6 July 2006); available from http://www.traditionalvalues.org/urban/one-a.php; INTERNET. Dr. Dailey sites research sources that support this statement.
Marie E. Tomeo et al., “Comparative Data of Childhood and Adolescence Molestation in Heterosexual and Homosexual Person,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 30 (5):535 (October 2001).
There are support groups available for those who need help with homosexuality. Desert Stream Ministries, Exodus International, and Love in Action International, Inc. are three such groups that have been recommended by Focus on the Family. More information about Desert Stream Ministries is available from http://www.desertstream.org/; INTERNET. Exodus International information available from http://www.exodus-international.org/; INTERNET. Love in Action International, Inc. information available from http://www.loveinaction.org/; INTERNET. All were current web addresses as of July 31, 2006.